Well week 5 is in the past and Covid has yet to fuck everything up, although it’s flirting with it aggressively. We have a new front-runner and it’s NOT Alex. A bunch of mediocre 3–2 teams who are battling it out, and other such bullshit. Let’s get TO IT!
Team Benjamin (3–2) defeats R. Kel-Lee’s Trade Rape Bust (2–3) — 139–119
Now, I’m a man of science and facts, but I absolutely believe that after his trade rape of Lee, Jordan has cursed himself. Or he just keeps playing Gardner Minshew like a fucking moron. Either way, I’m happy to see it. Parke gets a solid W with a 29 point win over Jordan.
Parke had fantastic days because of Russell Wilson, Jamison Crowder (the fact that anyone on the Jets can score above 5 points is impressive), and Diggs. Now that Bell has been released from the Jets and is currently deciding on either the Pats of the Chiefs (which is just so much horseshit), I’m sure Parke will be excited to see him get that Adam Gase stink off of him.
Jordan had good days, but it wasn’t enough. Minshew, Robinson, and Montgomery all got 18+ points, but his waiver wire pickup of Josh Kelley (which he gloated over me since Ekeler went down) ended up being a big ol’ BUST while my pickup of Justin Jackson got 11 more points. Feels good, man.
Parke will battle it out with me in week 6 while Jordan takes on Cooper.
First to Worst (3–2) defeats Run CMC (2–3) — 122–111
Well Thank GOD. My Frankenstein of a bullshit fantasy team was able to snag a dub with a 3rd string RB, Teddy fucking Bridgewater, and the Cowboys D (that one sucked to play).
As mentioned I had to play a ton of god awful streaming options, but they turned out to be pretty great. Better to be lucky than good, I guess. Bridgewater had 20, DK Metcalf got 27, and Hollywood Brown got 19.
Hunter had a late push thanks to Jonnu Smith (you should’ve fucking kept him, Jay) and Josh Allen combining for 36, but Diontae Johnson only got 1 and Scary Terry only got 5.
I look to try and get a 4th win against Parke and Hunter will battle Lee.
Stop the Spreadelman (3–2) defeats Stevie Janowski (1–4) — 139–88
Holy God. John kicks the dogshit out of Lee with a 51 point win.
John had unbelievable days from his team. Deshaun got 24, Gurley got 24, Hopkins got 25, and Robby Anderson got 19.
Lee’s team continues to try, I guess. Not sure you can call it that, though. Lamar only had 13, Hunt got 18, and Slayton got 20 (Hey! the trade is kind of paying off). But awful days from the Bills D with -3, 5 from Renfrow, and 4 from Malcolm Brown ultimately handed him the L.
John takes on Travis while Lee will see if he can get a second win against Travis.
I Kareem’d My Fants (4–1) defeats The Physishites (1–4) — 150–116
Looks like there’s a new sheriff in town. Will is now our league leader with the best record at 4–1 after getting a decisive win against Cooper. Ever since his team name change, he’s been on fire. Surely it’s only the name, not that he’s actually managing his team well, no, it couldn’t be.
Will’s team cruises to the highest score on the week with Kyler, Thielen, Kelce, and Zeke notching 102 points by themselves. Jesus.
Cooper…..oh cooper. Cooper’s team (like mine, honestly) is an amalgamation of odds and ends, but they’re still trying (kinda). Roethlisberger and AJ Brown both got 21. 27 from his RB corps wasn’t bad. But it’s hard to win when your opponent is just blowing it out of his asshole.
Will looks to keep his streak alive against Clayton while Cooper seeks his second win against Jordan.
Lee Didn’t Rename My Team (2–3) defeats 2 Henrys No Kupp (3–2) — 124–100
Whoa, this was kind of a shocker. Travis hands a cruising Jay team a 24 point loss this week bring his streak to a halt.
Travis shot to a significant lead with 29 from Mahomes, 19 from Cook and 25 from the Ravens D (!). Oh and Sammy Watkins decided to show up.
Jay’s team struggled, especially with Dak’s ankle turning in the opposite direction and having to leave (fuck the Joneses). The Saint’s D only getting 2, Justin Jefferson with 5, and Lockett (who is STRUGGLING this year) only got 8, hurt Jay in the long run.
Travis will see if he can separate from the lower half of the standing against John while Jay will take on a, and this is very odd to say, a struggling Alex team.
The Cleveland Steamers (3–2) defeats Tittsburgh Feelers (3–2) — 122–86
It turns out the God-King can bleed. Alex suffers his second straight loss at the hands of Clayton. I also love that Alex’s team “struggling” is him still being 3–2. Oh well, fuck it.
Clayton’s team was a little all over the place. Mike Davis got 29, Mike Williams got 27, and Jared Goff (lol) got 24. But the 49ers D got -4, Ertz got 1, and Pascal only got 3. But, it didn’t matter in the end because his big hitters were able to get him the win. Plus Alex just had a buttfuck of a day and only got 86.
The majority of Alex’s team had some tough games. The Chiefs D for example got -5 (that’s the opposite of what you want). Hurts and Chark only got 6 together. His bright spots were Josh Jacobs and Ridley getting 21 each. He also played Eli Manning 2.0 who only got 8 (maybe he deserved to lose?).
Clayton will see if he can hand Will another L while Alex tries to get back on his grind against Jay.
Alex also got the fewest points on the week and Will gets to rename his team.
Standings after Week 5
- I Kareem’d My Fants — 4–1
- First to Worst — 3–2
- Team Benjamin — 3–2
- The Cleveland Steamers — 3–2
- 2 Henrys No Kupp — 3–2
- Stop the Spreadelman — 3–2
- Tittsburgh Feelers — 3–2
- Lee Didn’t Rename My Team — 2–3
- Run CMC — 2–3
- R. Kel-Lee’s Trade Rape Busts — 2–3
- Stevie Janowski — 1–4
- The Physishites — 1–4